第一课:什么是积极心理学
要在象牙塔和大众之间构建桥梁
To create a bridge between Ivory tower and mainstreet.
我们要重视人的本质,给予人更多的自尊和自由
We need to value much more the human being.We need to give much more dignity and freedom to the person.
因为信息无法决定我们的幸福感,成功,自尊,动机水平,两性关系及其质量.
Because it’s not just information that determines our wellbeing,our success,our self-esteem,our motivational level,the relationship and the quality of our relationships.
世界各地很多人似乎拥有了一切,但仍旧不快乐.而另一些人拥有的不多,但从未中断,从未停止享受人生. 但也有相反的情况. 拥有一切的人充满感恩享受生活,生活窘迫的人觉得自己是受害者.
We know of many people around the world who seemingly have everything,And yet they are unhappy.And then there are people around the world who have very little.And yet they never cease,never stop to celebrate life.And we have another way around as well.People who have everything and appreciate it and enjoy life.People who have very little and who see themselves as victim.
换句话说,不只是信息进来,它的形状,如何解读,如何理解,关注的重点.
In other words, it’s not just the information that goes in. It’s also the shape, the interpretation, the perception, the focus.
快乐由我们的精神状态而定而不是社会地位或银行存款
Happiness is much more contingent on our state of mind than our status or the state of our bank account.
我们要挖掘自身潜能,这种潜能一直存在
what we’ll do is uncover potential that we have inside, that we have inside of us all along.
凿除多余石块,也就是摆脱限制,阻碍,或者对失败的恐惧,这些并不是与生俱来的,但如今却出现在大多数人身上.要凿除伤害我们的完美主义.凿除胜利 的能力,因为我们可能害怕胜利.可能对生命中一些东西感到内疚.这些反过来会限制我们,也许甚至还要凿除两性关系中的限制,尤其是带来消极面的时候.这些 就是本课程的主要内容.
It’s about chipping away the excess stone. It’s about getting rid of limitations, of barriers, whether it’s the fear of failure, something that we didn’t have as kids. But today most people in our culture have it. It’s about chipping away perfectionism that is debilitating and often hurts us. It’s about chipping away our ability for success, because maybe we are afraid of success. Maybe we feel guilty about some of the things that we have in our life, and that in turn limits us. Maybe it’s about chipping away the limitations on our relationships in while we don’t thrive within them.
信息本身还不够,我们除了信息高速公路外还需要转变高速公路.转变高速公路,或转变回道,来经历快速增长的步伐.就像我们下次要讲的,抑郁率上升,焦虑率上升,不只是在这个国家,是全球的.简直是全球传染病.为了应对它,更多的信息也并没有作用.
Information in and of itself is simply not enough. It’s not enough and what we need in addition to our information highway is a transformation highway. Transformation high way, or transformation back roads, to come through the fast increasing pace. Because as we’ll talk about next time, rates of depression are on the rise, rates of anxiety are on the rise, not just in this country, globally. It’s literally global epidemic. And to deal with it, more information will just not do. Just not enough.
错的并不是科学的重大发现–信息总比无知强,不管是怎样的信息或无知.错在信息背后的信念.认为信息会改变世界的信念.它不会.
Here is Archibald MacLeish. He was a poet, was a Harvard professor, “What is wrong is not the great discoveries of science– information is always better than ignorance, no matter what information or what ignorance. What is wrong is the belief behind the information, the belief that information will change the world. It won’t.”
教育的目标,人的目标,人性的目标,人被关注的目标从根本上是一个人的自我实现,完全成为一个人.到达人类或是某个特定的个人能达到的最高高度.通俗点讲,就是帮助一个人成为最好的自己.
Abraham Maslow continues, “Humanistic philosophy offers a new conception of learning, of teaching, and of education. Stated simply, such a concept holds that the function of education,the goal of education— the human goal, the humanistic goal, the goal so far as human beings are concerned— is ultimately the “self-actualization” of a person, the becoming fully human, the development of the fullest height that the human species can stand up to or that the particular individual can come to.
That “Be all you can be.” This is what the class is about.
Two and two things along mattered in terms of determining who will be the extraordinarily successful and the rest: the first thing was the extraordinarily successful groups really believe in themselves. They thought they could do well. They were driven. They were motivated. And we’ll talk about it in future lecture as belief in self-fulfilling prophecies. They thought “I’m going to make it. I’m going to succeed.” That’s the first thing. The sense of the confidence. The second thing that he found was this group, they were always asking questions, –always asking questions, initially of their boss, later of their employees, of their partners, children, parents, friends. They were always asking question. They were always at the state of curiosity.
幸福存在于一个连续统一体,幸福是一生的追求 Happiness resides on a continuum.Happiness is lifelong pursuit.
第二课:为什么要学习积极心理学
现在抑郁症人群平均年龄小于15.孩子在很小的时候就接触到”信息高速公路”,通常来说,他们还没有准备好,不能有效的去应对它.因此当我们看到这些数据,我们应该做更多的研究去帮助人民客服抑郁和焦虑.
The mean age for depression today is less than 15. Kids at very young age are introduced to the “information highway”. And very often, they are not prepared, not able to deal with it in an effective way. So when we look at this data, we say we do need more research to help people overcome depression, to help people overcome anxiety.
除了信心和意义感,社会行为 帮助他人,从无助到有益,它们都非常重要，我们要讨论的是帮助他人是意义,并且它不仅仅是在帮助别人,其也在帮助自己.我们便进入了自助和帮助他人的上升式螺旋里.因为我们帮助他人时也在帮助自己.
In addition to the faith and sense of meaning, pro-social behavior, helping other people, shifting from helplessness to helpfulness, they were significant. One of the things that we’ll talk about is how meaningful it is to help other people. And how much it doesn’t just only help others, it also helps us. And we enter an upward spiral between self-help and other-help. Because when we help others, we are helping ourselves.
他们聚焦在他们的长处上,而不是缺点.
They focused on their strength rather than primarily deficiencies.
问题制造现实,它们创造可能性,一个问题引起一场探索.
Questions create reality. They create possibilities.A question begins a quest.
人们大多问自己”我的缺点是 什么?我需要提高什么?”经常忽视”我的长处是什么? 我的优点? 我擅长什么?”但如果仅仅是问我们自己”我的弱点是什么?不足?”那么我们只会看到自己的不足和缺点.在我们看来,那些好的事物-我们的强项,我们的热 情,优点–这些我们身上美好的事物并不存在.就像你们关注的,公交上没有小孩.
People mostly ask themselves, “what are my weaknesses? What do I need to improve?” Very often to the exclusion of “what are my strengths? What are my virtues? What am I good at?” And if the only question that we ask ourselves are the only questions that are “what are my weaknesses? Deficiencies?”, then the only thing we’ll see in ourselves are weaknesses and deficiencies. And as far as we are concerned, the good things– our strengths, our passions, our virtues– the wonderful things within us do not exist. Just like as far as you are concerned, the children on the bus did not exist.
问题造就现实,我们问的问题决定我们要追寻的目标,我们要走的路,我们要过的人生.
Questions create reality. The questions we ask very often determine the quest that we will pursue, the path that we will take, the life that we will lead, whether it’s individually, whether it’s interpersonally, whether it’s organizationally.
例如有一粒种子,种子是有潜力的–它会长成花或者树–如果它没有浇水,没有阳光照耀会怎么样?它会枯萎死去.
What would happen to a seed– seed is potential– flower, tree– what would happen to a seed, if it is not watered, if no light is shed on it? It will wither and die.
同样的人的潜力,如果不浇灌它,不给它照耀,它将会枯萎死去.人际关系也是这样,如果我们不-我们谈到最多的两性关系:如何建立健康长久的两性关系–如果不浇灌它,不给它照耀,如果你不欣赏它的好处,好处就会贬值.
The exact same thing with human potential. If we don’t water it, if we don’t shed a light on it, it will wither and die. The same with interpersonal relationship potential. If we don’t– we’ll talk a lot about relationships: how to cultivate healthy long-term relationships– if you don’t water it, if you don’t shed light, if you don’t appreciate the good, the good will depreciate.
第三课:幸福是一种随机现象吗?
人们舒适地麻木,舒适地麻木.是不够的,我们怎样超越舒适的麻木?我们怎样超越沉默的压抑? 得到振奋,快乐,幸福?为了达到这些,我们需要去经营这些情感因素.再说一次,幸福不会自动的出现,也不是没有痛苦就会幸福.
“people are comfortably numb”. Comfortably numb. Not enough. How can we get beyond that “comfortably numb”? How can we get beyond that “quiet desperation”? To excitement, to joy, to happiness? In order to do that, we need to cultivate these traits. Once again, they don’t spontaneously emerge once the painful experiences go away. And that is why we need positive psychology.
积极心里学专注在健康模型,什么是健康,生理,心理,情感之源.我们怎样让人们从智力,情感,心理上,人际关系,人格上全面发展?我们怎么让它们发展而不是仅仅摆脱生活中不如意的事.
Positive psychology essentially focuses on the health model, Salutogenesis. What is the source of health, physical, psychological, emotional? How do we get people to flourish, intellectually, emotionally, psychologically, interpersonally, intra-personally? How do we get them to thrive beyond just getting rid of what is not working in their lives?
帮助人们找到对人生有意义的事，和他们的热情所在.那就是我们致力于要做到的.
Let’s help them identify something meaningful in their life, their passion. And that’s how we will, over time, also help what comes off on the negative side.
你的使命感,对成功的渴望,让世界变得更美好的愿望.
And what struck me most about conversations that I had, either in Leverett or other houses, were students is their sense of mission, your sense of mission, your desire to do good, to make the world a better place.
“How can I make this world a better place?” Passionate. Idealistic. Good– in the deep sense, good. This desire to make a difference come into just about all students.
第四课:积极的环境能改变人
改变从一个人或是一部分人开始,然后它不断扩大.问题是”它如何扩大”,以及为什么我们难以理解我们能够做出改变这个事实,并接受被同化。如果我们能了解我们需要理解的是改变如何发生,改变以指数级发生我们与其它人的联系及与更多人的联系形成了一个指数函数.
All change begins in the mind of single person or a small group.” And then it expands. Now the question is “how does it expand” and “why is it so difficult for us to understand, accept, assimilate and live according to the fact that we can make a difference, if we understand that what we need to understand is how change happens. Change happens exponentially. Our connection to other people and their connection to others and so and so create an exponential function which explains for an example– that those of you are familiar with– “butterfly effect” how a butterfly flapping its wings in Singapore can theoretically cause a tornado in Florida. Because on particle hits another and another and another.
将爱传递,一个想法可以改变世界.
Pay it forward,is it possible let one idea to change the world.
准许为人
The permission to be human
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change; the courage to change the things I can change; and wisdom to know the difference.
我所要说的是我们需要一个空间,一个空间在我们的生活中在哪里我们准许自己为人,无论是和最亲的好友,我们关心的人,无论首先是面对我们自己,当我们写日记,这里我们准许成为自己,去哭,去快乐,因为如果我们不这样,我们将付出代价.
But what I am saying is that we all need a space, a place in our own lives where we give ourselves the permission to be human, whether it’s with close friends, people we care about, whether it’s first and foremost with ourselves when we write a journal, where we do give ourselves the permission to be, to cry, to be joyous– because if we don’t, we pay a price.
Psychological immune system will become stronger. And that means not that we don’t get ill. It means we get ill less often and when we do get sick, we’ll recover more promptly. The difference between the extremely happy people and extremely unhappy people is not that one gets sad, of upset, or anxious, or depressed; and the other does not. Both groups do. It’s how quickly, how promptly we can recover from these painful emotions.
第五课:环境的力量
Because happiness is contagious. If I’m happier, I’m more likely to contribute to other people’s happiness and wellbeing. Being happy, in other words, is also a moral state in the sense of actually contributing to other people’s wellbeing.
people, those of us who are alive, who work on happiness, who experience the vicissitude of life– the ups and downs– but overall work on happiness and become happier and happier, have better relationships, more generous, more accepting of other people, more tolerant of other people as well as themselves.
because helping others also helps ourselves.
“Be the change you want to see in the world.” This is how you bring about change.
But ultimately, the best way, the optimal way spreading happiness is to work on your own happiness, because then you are leading by example.
信念既自我实现预言
Belief as Self-Fulfilling Prophecies
第六课:乐观主义
So motivation makes a difference. There is another thing though, in addition to motivation, and that is the notion of consistency or congruence.
Let’s look at the optimist now. The optimist starts with high levels of beliefs, high levels of expectations, motivation,incredibly high. The mind looking for
consistency, performance, not so good, not as good as the expectations were. In other words, unrealistic. However, the interpretation, because of high levels of beliefs, the subjective interpretation is, OK, so, what if I learn from it? This is an opportunity;
I’ve actually got better this time. What if I learn? And they still have high levels of beliefs and high levels of expectations.
It’ll be very hard for you to find successful men and women through out history who did not have all three. Optimism, belief, faith that they can do well, that they can succeed. Passion, love for what they were doing. And hard work.
第七课:逆境还是机遇?
So how do we become more of an optimism? I want to talk about three techniques. First is to take action, to just do it, to put ourselves on the line. visualization, many of you are familiar with that, especially athletes as, as a technique. And finally, cognitive therapy, which at least according to research, is the most successful, most effective therapeutic intervention out there today.
One of the things that I wish for you is that you fail more. And, coupled with that, I hope that when you fail, you will also learn to interpret it in a different way than most of us usually interpret failure. there is no other way for growth.
When we see ourselves cope, when we see ourselves work hard, we derive conclusions about ourselves, our self confidence goes up, our motivation goes up, our belief goes up and so on and so on in an upward spiral of growth. that comes inevitably when we cope, when we try, when we have high expectations. Not to dare is to lose oneself, Because this model also works the other way around. When we constantly avoid challenges, when we constantly shone difficult experiences, a downward spiral is created, in terms of our self esteem, in terms of our success, in terms of our well being.
In other words, if I create success in my imagination and I persist with it, not just visualize it once or twice, but over and over again, And therefore, it will bring up the external reality to match this internal schema.
And what cognitive therapy is about is the following. Its basic premise is that thoughts drive emotion. there is an external event. I perceive that event, and what I do then after I perceive that event, there is evaluation of that event, in other words, a thought about that event. And then, as a result of that thought, that evokes an emotion.
Looking at the 10 per cent of the happiest people out there, people that we can learn from. And what they found was very interesting.
First of all, these people did not experience painful emotions any less times than the rest of the people, say the bottom 10 per cent or the mid 10 per cent. They experience painful emotions, the difference between them and the rest was that they recovered more promptly as a result of different interpretations. So when they felt down, they were optimistic instead of saying What can I learn from it? What happen? And then they recovered more promptly than the pessimists, the people who remained depressed for a much longer time. You see, events happen, things happen in the world, very often out of our control. And some of the events are bad, some are negative. What matters more is what we do with them after, how we evaluate them. And what happens is that our evaluation becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy, and believes our self-fulfilling prophecies.
There are no short cuts. There are no easy steps to wellbeing, to success, to high level of beliefs in ourselves.
The questions that we ask determine our reality.
We very often create our own reality. And if we understand this, we can transform, change the way that we perceive, change our focus, change our questions, whether it’s questions disputing irrational evaluations, and questions create a new reality.
But the relationships that go through crucibles, that have crises, disagreements and then, you know, Thesis and Antithesis and then there is a Synthesis, and there is a growth as a result of these hardships. And he says that there is no other way, again learn to fail or fail to learn, there is no other way for a long-term success of a relationship. Relationship does not, cannot look like this. It has to have these ups and downs.
Never let a good crisis in a relationship go to waste，and there are some that could end, and should end a relationship. But most crises can be solved and need to be dealt with.
Same reality, different interpretations.
第八课:感激
The media does focus to the great extent on the negative. And that’s not just a bad thing. Because one of the roles of media in a civil society is to highlight wrongs that can be righted, to inspire people, to act, to change, to make the world a better place. However, we need to realize that the media doesn’t just report reality as it is.
The media focuses,highlights the negative.It acts as a magnifying glass rather than as a looking glass.
Magnifying the negative. Minimizing the positive. In other words, what the media does is to distort our perception. It actually makes us into pessimists, especially because the news is on 24 hours a day. And we are constantly bombarded by negativity after negativity after negativity. And where do we get the positive? 30 seconds at the end of the news. Oh yes, there’s also a little bit good stuff going on. And it’s just to make you smile so that you come back tomorrow or the next hour for more bad news.
Highlighting the negative. Ignoring the positive. Millions and billions of honest transactions taking place all the time, all around us constantly. Now what else is happening? What we are doing, what the media is helping us to do is extrapolate from a few instances where people want to hurt, while ignoring the millions and billions of people who are dedicating their lives to helping spread the happiness in the world.
And the problem is when we just focus on bashing, when we just focus on the negative, we create a worse reality rather than improving the reality.
when they appreciate the good, when they find benefit in that situation, the good appreciates. It grows.
Another reason in addition to media why we tend to ignore the good and focus mostly on the bad is that we adapt.
There is another side. When we adapt, we also take things for granted. And that’s not a good thing. Because we take for granted our family that we care about so much. And we take for granted our friends. And we take for granted the food we are about to have in the dinning hall that is served to us.
第九课:积极情绪
In other words, what she insisted on was staying real. Being real. Being connected to what was around her. And when it was evil and bad, she was connected to that and at the same time, she was also connected to the good.
想想家庭的不同方面,如果你每天写的的家庭.一星期写工作,下一个星期写家庭.保持用心.专注在你之前没有注意的事情上,发现新的特点.
to think about different aspects of your family if you write family every day. To write about work one week. To write about home the next week. Maintaining mindfulness, focusing on things you didn’t notice before, creating novel distinctions.
To just do it. There are no short cuts. It’s not because you’ve been through a lecture on gratitude and you understand, you really understand what a benefit finder means.
And it’s only through that, that over time, over time, you’ll begin to see more and more of the positive in the world and counter the current schema that most of us have literally been imprisoned by, the fault finder schema.
And it’s by being mindful. By thinking about those wonderful things that we have, whether it’s in a friend, whether it’s in a movie we want to watch, whether it’s in the lunch we are going to have served to us in our house later.
带来满足的是感激之情,心灵对此给与人生的简单回应就是圆满.
What brings fulfillment is gratefulness, the simple response of our heart Again.to this given life in all its fullness.
Remember what is the most personal is also most general.
That people hope and believe that they can find quick fix. There is no quick fix. It takes time. It takes time to change. However, the change process can be as enjoyable, as fun,as exciting as ultimately achieving the change. And next week we’ll talk about that wonderful process.
第十课:如何去改变
Happiness. One of the most significant barrier to people’s happiness is that they associate happiness with slacking off, because the dominant paradigm. If I’m happy now, I ignore experiencing pain. It means I’m letting go. It means I’m not gonna be successful. It means I’m gonna lose my edge.
We’re gonna discuss three distinct, the interconnected pathways to change—the ABCs of psychology which we have mentioned before. The ABCs—the A is the affect, the emotion. The B is the behavior, the action. And C is the cognition, the thought.
Affect, behavior, cognition times gradual and the acute. And we’re going to talk about six different approaches to change. These six approaches to change are interconnected. It’s important to connect them.
In order to change a habit, in order to bring about lasting change, we need to have as much of a solid approach as much…um…force in the intervention. It’s not just enough to focus on the emotions. It’s not just enough to focus on action. It’s not enough just to focus on our thinking. We want to focus on the three—the A, the B, and the C.
And again asking you shall receive; a question begins a quest. And as soon as I ask this question, it open up channels that I didn’t see before that were literally right in front of my eyes. And this was the work that I’ve studied for many years of one of my intellectual heroes.
Having a meaningful goal. When we’re on purpose, when we’re doing things that we love to do, when what we are, we are doing is meaningful and significant to us,we’re much more likely to experience peak experiences.
There is no other way to change. I can think about it all day long and say I want to be in touch with my feminine side or I want to be more courageous, I want to get out. I can think about it all day long. Nothing will happen. Nothing will happen unless we bring about real actual behavioral change, real actual behavioral action. And when we do that, then the sky is the limit.
第十一课:养成良好习惯
maintaining a ritual,requires some self-discipline,but not a lot.
Creating a ritual requires a lot of self-discipline.
Rituals - very important and significant.The only way for lasting change.
passionate relationships,the first objective,the primary objective is to go into relationship to be known.Rather than to be validated.
A lot of preparation before you become an expert in the field and are able to introduce Creativity have that eurake,the insight.
Taking time in- invaluable. Not just for memory,also for creativity.
But if you have such a sacred place and use it,something eventually will happen.
you have to go though preparation,incubation to get to the eureka experience.
you need the foreplay to get to the next level.It’s important.it’s part of the creative process.It’s very significant for love.after you’ve come up with the eureka,that is when you evaluate.
the foreplay,have the orgasm,afterward evaluate it.
第十二课:写日记
If we ask the right questions, it opens up opportunities.The other thing that’s at work here is the power of the word: words create worlds.
Words have power. They have meaning, especially when the words are meaningful to us when the goals that we declare are meaningful to us, they are much more likely to come true.
it is not attending of a goal that lead to happiness,but the having of a goal lead to happiness.
we need that goal - this outcome,this future orientation.
And the challege is to identify the treasure of happiness that are embedded,that are there in the it and that are there all around us.
So carpe diem(seize the day).Do what you want.
第十三课:面对压力
The expectations - the mission: a better world.
However,remember the trickle effect.
Overall,it’s a self-concordant goal as well as journey.
(call,destiny,task in life,mission)使命,命运,天命,职责
最好的工作是听从你内心的声音.
The most noble things is to listen to that inner voice.
因为我们追求自己的热情.当我们追求自我和谐的目标和奋斗过程,我们才真正的活着才能将世界变得更美好.
Because when we pursue our passions.when we pursue a self-concordant goal and a self-concordant journey,that’s when we come alive and that’s when we also make the world a better place.
Individuals who are both successful,happy,thriving,flourishing are ones who do experience stress.However,they also pay very close attention to recovery.
To sprinting,recovery,sprinting,recovery.That understanding changed my life.
第十四课:过犹不及
Quantity affects quality.量影响质,多则劣,少则精.
There is danger of failing.And wherever there is a crisis,there is opportunity,to learn and grow.
第十五课:完美主义
追求卓越的人不仅仅只关注短时间的放松还关注长久的满足.
A person committed to excellence is not just about temporary relief,but about lasting satisfaction.
第十六课:享受过程
人所不欲勿施于己,
do not do unto yourself what you would not do unto others.
或者说”人所欲方施于己”
or rather “do unto yourself what you do unto others.”
当我们说到同情时,我们是指对别人的同情.
when we talk about compassion,we talk about compassion for others.
他说,你们对自己没有同情又怎么能对别人有同情呢
And he said,”how can you have compassion for others when you don’t have compassion for yourself?”
别为小事伤神,一切皆是小事.
Don’t sweat the small stuff…and it’s all small stuff.
许可,积极,转换角度.
Three Ps Permission. Positive. Perspective.
灵药就是 半小时的锻炼 每周四次
The wonder drug: 30 minutes of physical exercise,4 times a week.
至少15分钟的意念锻炼 每周6到7次
at least 15 minutes of mindful exercise 6 or 7 times a week.
每24小时睡8个小时
8 hours of sleep more or less per 24 hours.
每天12个拥抱
12 hugs a day
有时过由不及
There can be too much of a good thing
第十七课:运动与冥想
最不能放弃的是运动
Sport,It should be the last thing to go.
自尊隐含了一个概念:我们值得拥有幸福
part of self-esteem is the notion that we are worthy of happiness.
值得拥有幸福.当你问别人”你值得拥有幸福吗?”大部分人会说”值得”,但在潜意识中
The notion of being worthy of happiness.And when you ask people,”are you worthy o f happiness?”
大部分人会说”值得” 但在潜意识中,通常很多人都会说”不值得”可能因为脑袋里有一把声音说”不值得”
Most people would say,”yes.” But if you ask the subconscious,very often, for many people, it’s “no”
可能因为脑袋里有一把声音说”不值得”因为过去老师,教育工作者,父母,重要的大人社会大众都要我们向不现实的榜样看齐
whether it’s because of the voice that we heard in the past from teachers,educators,parents,significant adults,society at large by comparing us to unrealistic models.
这是一个障碍;使得我们无法更快乐
And that is a barrier;that stops us from becoming happier.
And again it’s the five-minute take-off that
不再尝试无视和消除身体不适而是抱着关怀之心与关注它.我们就能真正地改变我们的感受.
With the shift trying to ignore or eliminate physical discomfort to paying attention with friendly curiosity.We can transform- quite literally transform our experience.
第十八课:睡眠、触摸和爱情的重要性
we need 4 hugs a day for survival. we need 8 hugs a day for maintenance.we need 12 hugs a day for growth.
他们想的,他们希望的是延续他们关系最初时的爱与热情
Their thought,their hopes is to continue the exact same love and passion.
因为爱情,特别是欲望和热情会随着时间磨灭
One of the reasons is because love,and especially lust and passion wears over time.
第一 维持恋情需要努力
First - that relationship is about hard work
第十九课: 如何让爱情天长地久
finding mindset
培养心态,是可塑的与个人努力有关
cultivating mindset,that is malleable related to the effort part.
找到合适的人当然重要,但培养一段感情更重要.
A good partner is of course important.
与寻找心态紧紧相连的是真名天子只有一个这样的观念
Now connect it to this, to the mindset is the notion that there is only one right person for us.
我所需要做的就是穷尽一生找到那个真名天子
And all i need to do,all i need to dedicate all my effort and time to is find that right person.
这世界上有60亿人,真命天子绝非仅一个
There are 6 billion people in the world.There is more than one right person.
而是与你选择的恋人培养感情
Once again it is cultivating that one chosen relationship.
这是创造一段恋情的方式,一段独特的恋情
That is how we create the one chosen relationship,one special relationship
事实上感情没有完成一说,这是一个过程
In fact, it doesn’t happen; it is happening. it is a process.
它无关恋情的成功;而是恋情的延续
It is not about successs in a relationship; it is about succeeding in a relationship.
解决冲突的要点之一在于确立一个超然目标.
That the important thing in resolving conflicts is having a super ordinate goal.
尽管如此 若我们不主动维持爱情,长此以往 由于自我知觉理论,热情会退去因为我们没在恋情中有所投入.
However, if we don’t sustain the active love,over time because of self-perception theory,over time that we go away.because i don’t invest anything in relationship.
如果没有主动爱情 则恋情无以为继
So if there isn’t the active love,it cannot be sustained.
适用于提高领导能力,是极其诚实正直的人.
And it applies in the realm of leadership - the greatest leaders,They are the people who have the highest levels of integrity.
只要我们坦诚,就更可能被容纳接受.
when we express ourselves, we are much more likely to thrive.
被了解才是基础,而不是被认可
The foundation is to be known
第三点是要允许恋情中出现冲突.
The third point is about allowing for conflict in a relationship.
上帝就在细节中,爱情也是这样,爱情就在细节中.
God is in the details.The same with love. Love is in the details.
最后 关于健康恋情的第四点 积极认知
Finally the fourth component of the healthy relationship-positive perception.
伴侣一定要做优点感知者.他们要赞赏对方
the partners have to be the benefit finders.They have to appreciate one another.
爱不仅能感知潜力而且还让其转换为现实
Not only does love perceive potentialities but it also actualizes them.
第20课:幸福与幽默
女人笑的次数与女人喜欢男人的程度成正比,反过来也是.他们还发现女人笑的次数与男人喜欢她的程度成正比.
And so what they found is that the number of laughs by the female correlated with how much the female like the male and that in exchange. They also found out that the number of laughs by the female correlated with how much the male liked her.
六种方式来增加自己的幽默感
six ways you can actually increase your humor levels as well.
首先把只属于你的故事写进日记.好笑的故事,当你写进日记时要尽量写积极的经历
First of all, we just talked about one of these.But journaling stories that are unique to you,finding funny stories that just as you have to go though your day and when you journal,try to write about positive experiences
第二是观察幽默的人,当你观察幽默的人时因为镜像神经元你能从他们身上学到幽默的一些规律
Second is watching funny people,when you observe other people that are funny.because of these mirrior neurons,you actually pick up the rhythm of humor from them.
第21课: 爱情与自尊
美丽的敌人 多美的描述
A beauttiful enemy what a beautiful phrase.
没有冲突的爱情就没有美丽的敌人
A conflict free relationship is where there are no beautiful enemies.
美丽的敌人是指因为爱我们关心我们 所以要跟我们针锋相对的人
A beautiful enemy is a person who loves us,who cares about us enough to challenge us,enough to disagree.
You make me what to be a better man.
横行是有建设性的沟通与破坏性的沟通
So we have on one dimesion constructive versus destructive communication;
纵列是主动沟通与被动沟通
on the other dimension,active versus passive communication.
当你的努力是充满乐趣意义非凡时渐渐地就会使爱情更幸福
And when that hard work is pleasurable and meaningful,over time that leads to a happier relationship.
使你们更快乐 建立双赢的伴侣关系
happier individuals to a win-win togetherness.
有所保留的原因是追求幸福的本质是自私的
Some discomfort because pursuing happniess is by its nature selfish.
我们越独立,就越相互依赖
the more independent we are,the more inter-dependent we can become.
那些认为自己没有价值的人会被视为自尊较低那些表现出自傲的人会被视为自尊极高.
Those who express the sense of unworthiness are said to have low self-esteem,or the person who is to express self-pride are said to hold themselves in highest esteem.
所以说自尊说的是我对自己的态度,是对自我概念的评估.
It is about the attitude that i have toward myself.It’s the evaluative part of the self concept.
两个组成部分,能力感价值感
Two components,the feeling,the experience of competence and the feeling and experience of worthiness.
Branden说 自我概念就是命运
In the words of Branden:Self concept is destiny.
信念或自我实现语言
Beliefs or self-fulfilling prophecy
如果我相信自己,相信自己值得快乐,相信自己有能力,那么我成功的可能性更大
If i think of myself,believe in myself,believe that i am worthy,that i am capable of a lot,I will,I am much more likely to succeed.
自尊与快乐的相关系数都超过0.6
the correlation between self-esteem and happiness is above 0.6.
低自尊常常与焦虑并存
low self-esteem is associated with anxiety.
That are important for the cultivation of self-esteem:
first,integrity 正直
The practice of self-awareness know yourself
Purposefulness,having goals,having self-concordant goals,pursuing them,living a life of purpose,of calling,taking responsibility remember once again no one is coming.
It’s up to you to make something of your lives.The practice of self-acceptance. Permission to be human on a daily basis.And finally, the practice of self-assertiveness;
The first level of self-esteem was a dependent self-esteem.
The second level of self-esteem that is not contingent on others;
and finally the third component essentially does not even need to be called self-esteem simply a sense of self.
A person who has dependent self-esteem looks for constant approval,very often is associated with perfectionism;
whereas the person has independent sense of self looks for criticism.
their motivation,their primary motivation is “What am i passionate about?””What do i care about?””What do i really,really want to do with mhy life?”
becoming known rather than validated
第二十二课:自尊与自我实现
why is it important to be independent?
why is it that we should strive for this evolution?
Shouldn’t we stay of the conformity dependence level?
it is important to cultivate independence as a way to cultivate interdependence
obedience to authority a person with high dependence self-esteem
When we cultivate self-love,when we cultivate self-esteem that is when we are most likely to be empathic and to love others.
Put myself in a world that no one would know what i was doing.I’m much more likely to identify that thing which is my passion.my core,my calling.
Let me express myself And yes it may hurt me.
It will hurt me,if they don’t like me.I’m resilient I’m strong,I can deal.
And what i found was that dependent self-esteem was associated with instability independent self-esteem was associated with stablility.
Those with high self-esteem that was mostly dependent were more likely,not always,not every person but on average,were more likely to display hostility those people with high self-esteem that is mostly independent were much more open,cooperative and generous.
how people with high independent self-esteem were less likely to be perfectionistic
第二十三课:收获交流
share it by being practical idealists
Be the change you want to see in the world
If you want a happier world,be that change.
So each time you go to one of those wonderful places exotic or otherwise,remember to simplify, remember to take care of yourself,remember to exercise remember to assert yourself and say no when appropriate,remember to cultivate your relationships.Remember what it is that is really really important for you in your life.
Each and every one of you is an entire world,a world in the making in the making of this world your world our world a better place
